No matter how good things are, there will always be solitary nights you spend in your bedroom, in a car, or in a party full of your closest friends when it feels like the walls are caving in.
sending you some love :> ahaha I need to get shit together also LET’S DO THIS!!!
HERE’S TO GETTING OUR SHIT TOGETHER
When you tell the one person who has been one of your biggest supporters in your entire life, that you’ve failed him again.
Then you have to put on a radiant smile and parade positive words to distract everyone from your sad eyes.
Fell down. Again.
I have never been strong academically, and this has never been for a lack of trying. Especially from JC onwards, my grades have always surprised me - and hardly ever in a good way. And it seems like nothing has changed in university.
In all these academic downs of my life, I have always been blessed to have the best support network of the most understanding family and amazing friends. When we received our A level results, my friends received stellar results, but they rallied around me endlessly. My family never rebuked or blamed me, in fact my brother gave me the toughest love all the way from Southampton where he was on exchange at that time. My father calmly assured me that the family will not go bankrupt sending me overseas, and my mother, bless her soul, got doubly excited at that prospect - because she knew at that time, I could not muster any emotion of positivity.
When I came to Manchester, I had 1 goal in mind - to make everyone who has faith in me proud. In the 1.5 years of law school so far, I think I have done everything I’m supposed to be doing as a student - I have put in every best effort into my work and made sacrifices for my studies (it really helps that I’m in a long distance with the most understanding boy). But honestly, the average at best grades I have been getting are just not going to be enough in Singapore.
For whoever has read until here, I am going to stop crying now and end this pity party.
For times like this, my brother has the best anecdotes - some of which from my most recent conversation with him I will reproduce here for memory’s sake:
Bro: well good lawyers are sometimes bad students. year 1 nia. relack.”
Me: I’M IN YEAR 2
Bro: Year 2 sem 1 nia. relack. oh wait. 3 year programme.
Yeah, my brother and father sometimes have genuine troubles remembering my age.
It was like A-levels all over and he followed up with some good ol’ brotherly advice:
"relack. have a game plan. cannot stress one. no one doubts that you studied hard, go find out the problem first …
your goal in life should be to find something you’re good at, and to stop being negative. that’s your problem. you spend so much time involved in your problems and you don’t see them as opportunities. be more positive can. if you think everything is bad and you always fuck up, you will hate your future job …
you need to find your own motivation. how old already”
Even though he is a total idiot sometimes, I like to think that the veiled insults in our conversations are his way of dispensing with tough love to me.
The point of recounting this wasn’t to wax lyrical about my brother (ew no, I still hate him), but that it made me realise that indeed, I am 21 years old this year - I really need to get my shit together.
So perhaps my academic record has always been trying to point me in a different path that I have yet to discover (if that’s the case though, this path really needs to revel itself sometime soon, preferably now please). But this is not going to stop me from continually picking myself up (with help from the best people) and finishing what I have started.
My motivation is, and always has been, my amazing support system. And for these people, I will always stay as positive as I ever can be. Negativity never looks good on anyone (has anyone ever looked good with a tear-stained face? I think not) so I’m going to slip up a lot, but I’m going to keep going (and chase more tutors for feedback on my essays).
But dear universe, it will be very great if you could throw me a bone here and there from time to time (for starters, perhaps an indication of what I’m supposed to be good at will be great).
Alright so I’m pretty sure I sounded a little self-indulgent above and if you want to fault me for that, I’m going to be explicitly clear that this is my personal space to remind my future self of certain things. Why make it public? Because I believe it makes me more accountable to myself next time. If you don’t care, then I do apologise for the 3 minutes of your life I cannot give back to you.
For those who made it through, I probably know you and I probably love you.
Missing everyone as always xx